A Father's Demons Hide
by DaniNatureGirl313
Summary: In a moment alone, Professor Snape think's over all he's done & how it's affecting him & his loved ones. Set during "D.H.1", while the trio is out searching for horcruxes.


**A Father's Demons Hide**

_**AN: I wanted to re-publish this, but w/ a few minor tweaks that adhered to some certain people's guidelines. I want to make it clear that I own neither the characters (except Persephone) mentioned in this story, nor the song used. I only changed how it was used to hopefully avoid a repeat of old mistakes. I just wanted it to help tell a story.**_

Severus Snape paced back and forth across his new office. An ironic thing, since the man who, arguably, was the best to ever occupy it often did the same thing. With a heavy, groaning sigh, he flicked his dark chocolate-brown eyes up at the picture of Albus Dumbledore, and he observed how the image appeared to be in a state of deep sleep. "I put him there", he thought, "This is all my fault."

_**When the days are cold**_

_**And the cards all fold**_

_**And the saints we see **_

_**Are all made of gold**_

Everybody loved Dumbledore, Severus included, though he wished he'd been able to tell him so. With his blood father, Tobias, being an alcoholic and severely abusive, and his mother, Eileen, being too frightened to do anything about it…Albus had been the closest thing to a real parent he'd ever had. He was the golden protector of Hogwarts, such a bright light…and _he'd_ been the one to snuff that light out.

_**When your dreams all fail**_

_**And the ones we hail**_

_**Are the worst of all**_

_**And the blood's run stale**_

It was all for the dream of ridding the wizarding world of another man…no, a _creature_…he'd once thought to idolize. He truly wanted that to happen now, to permanently send Voldemort to his doom. He hated playing double-agent. The excitement of it had been lost long ago. Even though the death of his mentor was a prearranged moment, it still weighed quite heavily on his heart. He scoffed just thinking of that one particular word, 'heart', since most of the students, if not all, thought he didn't possess one. They thought he was a monster. He just knew it. And who could blame them? Judging by the Potter boy's reaction that night, he had no doubt as to who'd passed the story around.

_**I wanna hide the truth**_

_**I wanna shelter you**_

_**But with the beast inside**_

_**There's nowhere we can hide**_

He could still hear the teen's angry rant echoing in his mind: "Snape! He trusted you! Fight back! You coward, fight back!", and finally, "Sectumsempra!" He'd made up that spell years ago, when he, himself, was no older than Harry. How it affected his godson, Draco in the bathroom made him so glad he'd never actually used it on a person, though the heavens knew it's what he so badly wanted…as well as the targets he'd had in mind. Nobody at that school knew or understood what he'd gone through as a child, other than Albus and Minerva. Though he was sure that because of all the naturally-occurring chaos over the years, the older witch had put those particular memories out of her mind. Oh, how he wished he could, too. But he couldn't, no matter how hard he tried. He carried his past burdens everywhere, in everything he did, not wanting anyone else to know. He'd had only two bright spots in all that misery, but he'd chased them both away: Lily into the arms of his archrival, and Persephone…poor, dear Persephone. He could still see clear images of _her_ from that night, too, and how betrayed she sounded as she yelled at him. He only wanted to protect her and Harry, so he had to act the villain, the beast. It was something that they had to face, an inescapable, but tragic truth.

_**No matter what we breed**_

_**We still are made of greed**_

_**This is my kingdom come**_

_**This is my kingdom come**_

Suddenly glancing up once again at the portrait of Albus Dumbledore, he did something so exceedingly rare for him. He shouted, screaming out angrily, "I _warned_ you this would happen, old man! I _warned _you this would turn her away, but _you_…you and your _precious_ faith…you _took_ her from me! You _took_ her from me! My only child _hates_ me! She _hates_ me, because of what _you_ made me do!" Collapsing into the wide wingback chair behind his desk, his head fell into his hands, his elbows resting on the hard mahogany wood. His fingers linked over the top of his head, tangling in his inky-black hair as the tears began pouring out. Did he really think he was going to keep his daughter from all this? He tried his best, though, make no mistake. He let her get to know the muggle world, through her friendships and her use of their technology. He naively thought it would be like a cocoon, drawing her interest away and not let her realize what a wretch her father really was. He was a selfish, greedy man, and he knew it. While he allowed her many freedoms as she'd grown up, he'd been much more restrictive with others. Lying never truly protected anyone for long, though, and he was reaping the rewards of that. He deserved all this. He really did deserve it.

_**When you feel my heat**_

_**Look into my eyes**_

_**It's where my demons hide**_

_**It's where my demons hide**_

_**Don't get too close**_

_**Its dark inside**_

_**It's where my demons hide **_

_**It's where my demons hide**_

The students had feared him for years before this. He'd given them no reason to do otherwise, and for the longest time, he didn't care. He didn't care if they cringed when they heard the scuffing of his boots on the floor, or the swishing of his cloak around a random corner. He knew the kids feared looking into his eyes, thinking the dark orbs could pierce right through to their souls. He knew his deep voice was frightening, even though he didn't raise it in front of them, a tool he'd probably used a bit too well. It gave him power, the same power he'd been so deprived of in his youth. It was a protection technique, one of many he'd accumulated as time went by. It was the reason he dressed in the Victorian fashion, black and tight with so many buttons, and a long cloak that he'd often pull around himself when feeling especially moody. That's what he'd done when he'd had his first direct conversation with Harry Potter. True, he knew it was a different boy, but his scared inner child kept screaming "_James_, _James_, _James_." He didn't want anyone to see the cracks in the veneer, many though they were. He'd already lost Lily. He wasn't going to get that close to anyone ever again, only to get hurt. Nobody else would see the real him.

_**At the curtain's call**_

_**It's the last of all**_

_**When the lights fade out**_

_**All the sinners crawl**_

His ears stared ringing, remembering the maniacal cackle of Bellatrix Lestrange as she destroyed any part of Hogwarts that she chose. Every window in the Great Hall had been smashed, and poor Hagrid's hut was set ablaze. This was the last milestone needed to be taken before the real war could begin. Severus huffed under his breath at the idea. This really was a magical version of _War of the Worlds_…compassion, love, and diversity versus hate, fear, and oppression…it was one of the oldest stories in the book. He knew he'd never forget the image of the Dark Mark, hovering in the night sky over the castle, and how the Death Eaters scattered as they ran away from the damage they'd caused…eerily like ants.

_**So, they dug your grave**_

_**And the masquerade**_

_**Will come calling out**_

_**At the mess you made**_

In the back of his mind, a part of him knew he likely wouldn't survive the coming final battle. Every step he took now felt like he was inching closer to his death. This game he'd been playing since first hearing the prophecy that would ultimately doom the Potters had kept him alive so far, but had also come with a terribly sad price. Fresh tears sprang to his eyes as his mind shifted back to his earlier mini-rant, and to its subject. Her voice screamed across his brain, just like it had across the grounds that fateful night: "How could you, Daddy?! How could you?!"

_**Don't wanna let you down**_

_**But I am Hell-bound**_

_**Though this is all for you**_

_**Don't wanna hide the truth**_

He had no choice but to keep up the façade, despite the fact that every single fiber of his being urged him to do otherwise. He was, in fact, a very affectionate father. And oh, how he wanted to hug Persephone in that moment. He wanted to tell her the truth, about how and why this had all been planned ahead by Dumbledore himself, and how he'd only entered into this mission with great reluctance. He'd lied to plenty of people over the course of his life, but above all, he absolutely _hated_ lying to his daughter. She'd done nothing to deserve it. She was an _angel_ to him. He was doing this to protect her future, but she didn't know…and it was _killing_ him inside. He'd let his only child down. He mumbled into his dampening palms, "I am _so_ going to Hell for this."

_**No matter what we breed**_

_**We are still made of greed**_

_**This is my kingdom come**_

_**This is my kingdom come**_

Few people who were evil truly thought of themselves as such. The most dangerous person in the world was crazy, smart, and believed they were doing the right thing. Voldemort fit all these qualities like a glove. So did his followers…for the most part. Bellatrix, Fenrir, Pettigrew, and others like them were their own special category of psychopath, at least in Severus's mind. His good friend, Lucius, was finally starting to realize how wrong their mission was, something his dear wife had known all along. Thank goodness, he'd done so just in time, for Draco's sake. Most of the other Death Eaters, however, weren't so lucky. Regardless of how they and their leader tried to portray themselves as champions for the rights of pure-bloods, their cause was anything but just. In fact, they somewhat reminded him of the American muggle organization known as the KKK. And just like _those_ men and women, they were all going to pay for their misdeeds, either now or sometime in the near-future. He knew he'd be among them.

_**When you feel my heat**_

_**Look into my eyes**_

_**It's where my demons hide**_

_**It's where my demons hide**_

_**Don't get too close**_

_**Its dark inside**_

_**It's where my demons hide**_

_**It's where my demons hide**_

Many of the younger or greener Death Eaters were scared of him, just like the students were. They truly thought of him as Voldemort's second-in-command, the person most likely to take over leadership if something went wrong. The eyes were said to be the windows to the soul, but none of them had ever looked into his and seen the truth of why he was really there. Thank goodness for that. He couldn't allow his real mission to be compromised. He didn't want them to know the increasingly muddy waters he was forced to wade into, though he'd recently begun to believe a certain person suspected something. Narcissa Malfoy…her eyes were more penetrating than his at times, and that was saying something. But her husband was the Death Eater, not her. She'd find her own way to subvert any negative choices he made. If she at all knew what Severus was planning, she kept her mouth shut for her son's sake, a mother first before anything else. She understood him without acting like she did. They both had their own demons to deal with, kindred spirits in that regard.

_**They say it's what you make**_

_**I say it's up to fate**_

_**It's woven in my soul**_

_**I need to let you go**_

Thinking of Draco's mother brought back images of another woman he was connected to, and he tried in vain to force back the idea of her beautiful, smiling face…Lily Evans-Potter. He could still hear her laugh if he imagined hard enough, hear her voice in some of their happier times together: "Hey, Sev, want to go to Hogsmeade with me over the weekend", "I need some help with this essay. Don't look at me like that. I'm not a super-genius, you know. It's not funny", "I hope I find a date for the Halloween ball. You okay, Sev? You sure", "Oh, cool, that pond is completely frozen. Come on. Let's go ice-skating. No, it's not stupid"…all those precious memories. He knew it probably wasn't healthy to keep conjuring them up, but he was long past the point of caring. They were often his only solace in times like these, times when he was left alone and wondering 'what if?' or 'what could've been'. He didn't want to believe in fate, but some recent events were forcing him to. He tried to move on when he got back in-touch with another of their old schoolmates, Natalie Hall, but he couldn't. Even the pure joy their unexpected child produced was unable to chase the image of Lily away. He just could not let go. She was too much a part of him.

_**Your eyes, they shine so bright**_

_**I wanna save that light**_

_**I can't escape this now**_

_**Unless you show me how**_

Severus was a distant man, and that was putting it lightly. But what few knew was how much his life had been shaped by women. He saw them all, floating in front of him as imaginary ghosts. He saw his mother, from whom he'd gotten his hair and eye color. Apparently, he's gotten her smile, too, but he only rarely showed it. Then, he saw them both again, standing side-by-side: Lily and Persephone. They'd actually met three times, though his daughter only remembered twice. Lily had coaxed James to come with her to the christening. Remus had come, too, largely out of gratitude for how Natalie once helped him cope through his early experiences with lycanthropy. They had stayed close to the back of the room, keeping way out of view of the Malfoys, who were Persephone's chosen godparents.

Out of habit, he reached out to grab the spectral image of his child's hand. However, her face then twisted into one resembling a small dragon, gnashing her teeth angrily at him until she disappeared. The image shocked him. He slumped hard against the back of the chair, his arms falling limply at his sides. That wasn't what he wanted. If this war was truly going to claim his life, he wanted to see Persephone's smile again, to have one last reassurance of her love before he went. He wanted to see a light in those eyes again, to have a final bit of peace, a peace that only she'd been able to give him. Sighing, he took out his wand and, as so many times before, whispered, "Expecto Patronum". A see-through silver doe sprang into view, but his energy and will to keep it there were so weak, that it disappeared after about a minute-and-a-half. Another sigh escaped him, and he sniffled as he turned to his right and looked into a nearby mirror. Gosh, he looked _awful_!

_**When you feel my heat**_

_**Look into my eyes**_

_**It's where my demons hide**_

_**It's where my demons hide**_

_**Don't get too close**_

_**Its dark inside**_

_**It's where my demons hide**_

_**It's where my demons hide…**_


End file.
